It’s been a while since I’ve sat down with this journal. The holidays are always busy in good and not so good ways, so it’s been hard to find the time of solitude that I need to really process all of the feelings and emotions that come with parenthood; or let’s be honest, life. We started working on the nursery space this last month. Moving slowly, but it’s beginning to feel like we are bringing a baby home. I’m actually wrapping my mind around that idea... it’s a big step. Poor Adam has had his desk and office stuff moved so many times in this house. We displace him as we work through a project and then set him ip somewhere else. For a while he was using the nursery space as his - but the reality is that when I designed the floor plan of this home, I intended to use the space for a nursery. And whenever we were done having children, we could turn it into a proper office/den space. It feels good to be finally putting nursery pieces in there. After 3 years of empty arms and 2 years of a limbo space right off my kitchen, there is finally a purpose, and a happy one at that, for this room. A room that was designed specifically for a baby. For this baby.
Before we even knew we were pregnant, I picked out a verse to pray over our child and his or her life. I’m a terrible prayer warrior, if I’m being honest. So often I get before God with a longing to talk to him and be intentional about things like life verses, but instead I end up a jumbled mess of words and tears. But this verse stuck out and it has been my theme for this baby boy of ours. “Mightier than the thunders of many waters, mightier than the waves of the sea, the Lord on high is mighty!” Psalms 93:4 I think the most important aspect of Gods character for our family the last several years has been His might. Not because His might saved my mama or my son, but because we can feel safe knowing He is capable of all things. All. Things. He didn’t save those loved ones. He rescued them to heaven and from their pain. But He didn’t choose to heal them on earth. What He did on earth was to save those of us left behind, to let us live on for His kingdom in a way that we would have never imagined. My baby boy won’t know his brother, but he will know that his God is mighty to save. And that salvation has many shapes.
As I started dreaming about this child’s nursery, I found the most beautiful art print with that verse from Psalms on it. It felt like the perfect starting point for a nursery. For a child who is coming after the loss of his own brother. A daily reminder of how much God is capable of, and how much He must (does) love us fragile humans. It’s an added bonus that the ocean waves are such a calming and peaceful giving image for me. As I rock this child for the next few years, I can stare at the crashing waters and reflect on those moments in my happy place, with sand in my toes and sun on my skin. I can remember all that God has done in my life and how He saved me from the wreckage of life in grief. It will make all the sleepless nights and heavy emotions of a baby born after loss so much easier to bear. I don’t think Adam minds being displaced all that much. He’s adaptable in that way, much more than I am. But I know that the child that will fill that room with tears and giggles will be the ultimate reason for giving up his office. 3 more months, my dear Harry Beau.
