January was a very full month for our family. We got to spend lots of hours and days with friends and family who love us so deeply. It was a true refreshing, albeit tiring, month of fellowship - we filled out hearts to the brim. In the last month, we’ve basically completed the nursery. Spent countless hours agonizing over which stroller I want/need for this baby {if I’m being honest, I’m still not 100% certain that my choice is the right one… I’m going to blame it on hormones.}. I’m completely undecided on whether or not to buy an infant carseat or just place him straight into his big sister’s old convertible. And I’ve got a million things on the “to do” list that I irrationally (hormones again) believe with my entire soul NEED to be done before this precious boy arrives; because organizing the playroom and finishing the laundry room are most certainly needs when you’re 8 months pregnant and bringing home a baby for the first time in 5 years.
Because of the hustle and bustle of the last several weeks, I haven’t had much time to reflect on all the emotions that are bubbling under the surface as I keep myself busy with all the various nesting things. In just a few days, our sweet George would be celebrating his third, yes third, birthday. It isn’t as painful this year as it has been in the past, but as I reflect on the child that he could have been, I’m brought to tears over the hopes and dreams I had for him. Every parent imagines the futures of their kids… I’m sure I’m not the only one. I day dream about Audrey’s teenage years and what she will be when she grows up (for now, she’s firmly in the movie star category). I pray about her future husband and I wonder what his piece of our family puzzle will look like. I wonder all the same things about George Mason. Except, I don’t know him, so its all speculation and guessing. Which can be both fun and a punch to the gut at the exact same time. Would he be tall and skinny like his sister? Would be be a happy chub like his dad was as a kid? Would he like dinosaurs? or airplanes? or dump trucks? Would he be sweet and kind and gentle? Would he be a bull in a china shop? At 3, theres a lot of growing up happening. Would he have been a terrible twos kind of kid or would he be that much dreaded threenager like his sister?
I like to imagine him dressed as a super hero and fighting the bad guys with his big sister. I like to think of my version of boy mom as just loud enough to wake this new baby thats on its way, but not so loud that I’m driving myself insane. I like to imagine the conversations between him and Audrey. I think they would both be pretty excited about welcoming Harry into this family. I can just hear it now “I can’t wait until we can have a sleepover all THREE of us! Do you think we’ll fit into one bed? Maybe I’ll have to use my sleeping bag… no, its my bed, I’ve got princess sheets. You can use the sleeping bag, George, and Harry can snuggle with me on the bed. Maybe mom will let us watch a movie!?”
I don’t foresee these daydreams going away anytime soon. Though there are days where I *almost* forget that Audrey already has a brother, most of the time his absence is obvious. Those moments of contemplation about what parenting two kiddos would look like. What bringing home baby #3 would feel like? Those aren’t going to go away. And even as Harry comes into this family and takes his rightful place in the line up, even that identity will be skewed. You see, hes number #3. He’s also the baby. He’s also number two. He’s also going to be a lot like an only/first child. What will that look like as he grows and matures?! How will the death of his big brother impact his identity? I know it has made Audrey a lot more morbid than most people… especially her age. It has shaped the way she views life, because she knows death is a thing. A very real, very permanent thing. She talks about cremation and meeting people in heaven. She tells complete strangers that she has a dead brother. She’s not being brash, she’s just being honest. Death is real. And to her, its been a lot of what she’s known in her 5 years of life. Harry won’t know death in the same way, but it will most certainly have a lasting impact on his world view; just more of the things that those daydreams bring up. The rabbit trails and mental games that I play with myself as I imagine our family of 5 that’s only actually 4.
I asked Audrey yesterday what kind of cake we should make for George’s birthday on Monday - that has been our only lasting tradition: a birthday cake and candles for our precious son who was gone far too soon. She said she wanted a cranberry and raspberry cake. Ummm… how about a vanilla box cake, kid? I am, after all, 32 weeks pregnant… hahahaha Nonetheless, there will be cake and candles and singing. Her brother will get serenaded by his family that loves him oh so deeply. And while the angels hold their annual birthday celebration for him, I’m sure that his Grammy will be joining in on the fun. For now, we will debate over the color of the icing and the flavor of the cake mix… which I guarantee will be from a box, because I just don’t bake. We will spend the 2 hours mixing and baking. She will get her hands messy and help me put the frosting on. She will likely get said frosting on every surface in the kitchen. And that’s totally ok. Because if there were also a 3 year old helping out, the mess would increase infinitely. So in many ways, I will be thankful for the mess, because it will be a reminder of my two babies.
Photo by twinsfisch on Unsplash