It hasn’t been a very good couple of days. Yesterday was my first ugly cry in months. It’s like the weight of Christmas and all the traditions and celebrations just hit me like a freight train. We had our first Christmas party of the season last night and I cried the entire drive there. My son is glaringly absent from all of the growing families in attendance. My son should be 10 months old today. He should be crawling and chowing down on every piece of Christmas cookie he can manage to get his hands on. I think as I drove to that party, I just lost all of my ability to grin to and bear it. I pulled the car over and I just cried. I yelled at God. I cried some more. This sucks. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. And for the last 10 months I’ve been living without a piece of me.
I thought to myself how unfair this all is. I just cried. I’m not often mad about this. God has been gracious and while I’ve experienced a variety of emotions, anger is the rarest. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m disappointed. I’m jealous. I’m grateful. I’m comforted. I’m confident. Yesterday, in that car, I was mad. And that’s ok. Because as I buried my face into the millionth tissue of this last year, I was reminded that my God is big. He is so, so big. He has saved my precious George Mason from the pain and brokenness of this world and things are right. I am feeling this pain - and all the other things that come with loss, especially the loss of a child - but George Mason is in glory. He is perfect and whole and made new. The baby boy we celebrate in the month of December was born and died so that could happen. Words will never be able to express my gratitude and comfort in that.
December is in full swing and it means the end of 2017 is closing in. These next few weeks are going to be filled with moments and milestones without my son. They are going to be hard, but they won’t be without so much grace from my Father. They will be days and moments when my heart bursts with joy over the kisses from God that are so precisely placed in my life. This last 10 months has been quite the journey. Finding joy in the very real grief. Experiencing God in ways I never imagined I would. Drawing close to Him because there is nothing else. Hugging Audrey Nole a little tighter. Keeping scripture tucked close and held deep in my heart. It’s a journey I never expected to travel but one that I can’t deny has been full of so many reasons to love my God so much more deeply.
Im sad today. There are tears just waiting to fall. But I’m forever thankful for that darling little boy that was born 10 months ago. I’m thankful for the 10th day of every month and the reminder it is to me to celebrate his life, not just mourn his death. As time passes I’m finding ways to quietly remind myself of all the joy George Mason brought me. Ways to include him and remember him in the mundane. Ways to acknowledge him in the special days. Ways to mourn him with less sorrow and more hope. And in all of the things, each moment, whether fleeting or lasting, I’m pointed back to my Lord who is the ultimate source of all joy and all hope. Today, that is enough. Tomorrow, that will be enough. For the rest of my life, that will be enough. In tears, in laughter, in anger, in frustration, in disappointment, He is enough.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians12:9