I just put little man down for his nap and the house is quiet. Big sister is at school, the sun is shining, and by some miracle, the dogs aren’t even being whiny. There is a good chance that the next 2 hours will be wholly mine - a space to reflect, to grieve, to cry if necessary, during an otherwise busy life where the hard work of grief can often get brushed under the rug until space is made or something falls apart. This quiet, on this day, is an enormous gift. How deep the Father’s love for us, How vast beyond all measure…. If you continue on in that hymn, the verse says “that he would give his only Son, to make a wretch his treasure” Today, in my sun-filled living room, I feel like his treasure - even amongst excruciating loss.
9 years ago we said goodbye to my sweet mama. Well, we said see ya later, because I fully intend to meet her in heaven when God calls me home. It hasn’t been the most fun or happy or wonderful 9 years. There have been lots of firsts and plenty of hard. Each of us who lost her has felt the pain of it differently and specifically in each new season or start/end of an adventure. Weddings and babies. Graduations. Home purchases. Parenting. Even the relationships with each other. Because if you knew my mama, you know that she was a joyful (and sometimes crazy) glue that brought and held together so many broken people. I’m often amazed at how good she was at being the matriarch of our family. How her intense desire for family outwit all obstacles in her path. She trudged forward in pursuit of a Jesus centered, family centric community for her children - and our eventual spouses and families. We are spread all across the country, and yet we are close as ever. Aligned along that Jesus line that she worked so diligently to weave into our family story.
I’m sorrowful today, because the hole she left in our family is one we cannot patch or fill. But, thanks be to God, today I am not wrecked. I miss that woman more moments of more days than I even probably realize, but I’m held together and sustained by a God who is making all things new.
So as I remember her on this day, I’m so incredibly grateful for the effort and priority she placed on pointing her kids toward Jesus. Because knowing that at any moment today or any day, there will be dozens of texts exchanged and laughter shared, from our 4 corners of the earth, makes this grief and this day so much less lonely. I know that God is sitting with me in it. His provision is unmatched. His kindness in sharing this day with my siblings and their spouses is the kind of thing that makes a wretch feel like a treasure. Praise the Lord for his goodness and mercy.
