Another birthday has come and gone. Another year in the calendar that flew by. I even found myself doing the math over and over. He can’t really be 7, can he? Has that much life really happened? Because in so many ways, it feels like I was sitting in that dark NICU room as the nurses took his body and placed it back in the bed. I don’t even remember what that looked like. My heart had been ripped out of my body and my adrenaline was fading. I kissed that sweet boy for the last time, and then I made the long walk back to my hospital room. I kissed Adam and Audrey goodnight as they went home (to normal life, because what else do you do after the worst day ever?) and then climbed in the bed and just… I don’t know actually. I think I cried. I probably threw out a few f bombs. My nurse didn’t quite know what to do… and then I wrote the words that would share my grief, my anguish, with all the people that had been praying for our miracle.
“Our sweet George Mason has gone to be with Jesus. His life on this earth was short but he has impacted so many people and will forever be remembered as a fighter with attitude. He has showed more people about Gods love than most of us could even dream of reaching. His fight for life in the womb was an inspiration to myself and Adam and we are so grateful to have gotten 38 weeks to learn about his personality and 16 hours to enjoy his sweet smile.
His big sister got to snuggle with him and he passed very peacefully in the arms of his parents. We have very heavy hearts tonight but we are so very thankful for a Lord who will see us through this. A Lord who will give us the strength to get through each day. A Lord who loves our little boy more than we could have ever imagined.
We love you George Mason, you will forever hold a special piece of our hearts. “
Those words popped up in my memories on Facebook this weekend. I haven’t read them in years. I had no idea when I wrote them what it would be like to live without him. I didn’t know what I meant when I said that we were thankful for a Lord “who will see us through this” because in that moment I couldn’t have fathomed what strength would be provided to survive each and every morning. But man, did He show up. Through the tears and the anger, through the pain of c-section recovery, through the soft toddler hand on my back as I cried “it’s ok mama, I miss Joooge” too”
I’m thankful that people around me in those early days encouraged me to write. I’ve shared most of what I’ve written publicly, but there has been healing even in the words that never leave my notebook. It has been my cries for help, for strength, for understanding. It has been my hope as I look back at all the ways he has answered prayers. The ways that people have showed up, loved on, and walked with us through this journey of motherhood to a child in heaven and to children on earth.
This year’s birthday was really really hard. I didn’t want to face that it was here again. I struggled with how to celebrate and even how to mourn. I don’t know what a 7 year old boy would like. I don’t know what he would be in to, what he would look like or act like. I can’t imagine his personality like I have in years prior. This year it just felt like a big huge gaping hole of “things you don’t know about your son for $400, please”
So I started and ended my day with tears. I sobbed in the shower, over my coffee, in my leftover pizza, and over the snickers pie that we made. My living kids blew out the 7 candle and I held back tears because that was easier than letting them loose… because it would have been hard to recover. 7 years old. I really can’t believe it’s been that long and then it also somehow feels so much longer. It is my prayer that no matter how hard his birthdays can get, that I will always allow myself to sit in the grief and process. I pray I never run away from the hard parts of his story, because the healing and growth that has come from them are quite mind blowing. The reliance on my Savior is real. I cannot live out the rest of my days without His strength and His refuge from the harshness of this broken world.
”See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure.“
1 John 3:1-3
