Today is George Mason’s day and it would have been his 4th birthday. Four whole years since we met him. Since he turned us into a family of 4. It’s hard to imagine what life would be like if he were running around our house and a living member of our tribe. We certainly know what it’s like to miss him! But what would it be like to have him here?
Would he be strong now? Would the years of dialysis and a potential kidney transplant be behind us? Would he be big and loud and all boy? Or would he still be sick? Still be waiting for the day when hospitals weren’t such a big part of his life? Would he be on the floor, wrestling with his big sister? Would he follow her every move? Would he go off by himself to play with trains or dinosaurs or footballs? Would there be dress up days and painted finger nails? Would there be dirt in all of his crevices? Would he love to eat like his siblings? Would he be the typical middle child, full of sass and a desperate need for attention? Would he and Harry and Walker be the three musketeers? Would he be gentle with his little bro? Would he be jealous? Would he be snuggly and sensitive or would he be decisive and strong willed? Or both?
Every day that goes by brings these types of thoughts. But on his day, they are especially poignant. We miss him all the time, but his day always makes his absence felt a little more obviously. A cake and candles for our birthday boy, but no one to blow them out. There are no presents to unwrap (even though Audrey tries every year) and yet somehow the day doesn’t end in sadness.
This was the first year since his day that we have had a little sibling to join the celebration. Its hard to imagine our life without little Harry man, but what’s harder is imagining his relationship with his big bro. I suppose that hurts the most these days. Watching Harry and Audrey and the bond that they have.... it truly fills my heart with equal parts joy and sorrow. To have a living sibling for our sweet Audrey but to see and feel the absence of the middle little boy who has left such an imprint on our hearts.
As the years go by, I realize that the firsts without him will start to feel bigger. The first day of preschool, kindergarten, highschool, graduation... they aren’t the obvious every day firsts of smiles and giggles and first steps or first foods. They are more spread out and fewer each year. But they are there and they are big. Now that the number of years between his life and today is growing, I not only imagine (and grieve) what he would be like today, but I see more clearly the big person he would be becoming. As I watch Audrey Nole take on the world, I wish she had her George to take along with her. I wish that our little man had a big bro to rough him up and show him the kind of love that can only come from a brother. George’s presence is missed. In every day and every moment. But tonight the cake has been eaten and the celebration was had - because his life is one that deserves our attention and because our hearts need to acknowledge the good along with the hard.
So happy birthday to our middle little; in heaven or on earth, this day will always be yours.
We love you, George Mason.
