I’ve been trying, for what seems like weeks, to put into words all the emotions of sending our eldest child off to school. She has spent the last two years going to preschool, and that didn’t feel hard, so it has been a bit of a shock to my system to experience such a wide array of big feelings surrounding the start of kindergarten. I have no doubt that the pandemic is playing a role in some of the anxieties. Wondering if our decisions surrounding her education are being met with proper scrutiny and anticipation of all the potential risks to her health and well being. Living our lives without letting fear dictate decisions, while giving proper weight to all of the reasons to be fearful. It has been a delicate balance and still seems quite… unbalanced.
I think most importantly, I am incredibly thankful for her school. It wasn’t easy to place her education into the hands of others (especially as I was homeschooled, and my largest experiences surrounding learning were in my home), but it was abundantly apparent that Audrey Nole and I needed someone else to be her teacher. So as we toured her school last fall, it felt big and small all at once; with all the thoughts about both. And as all of the unknowns of this crazy year began to unfold, I become more and more thankful for that school. As I have watched the plans for on-campus learning get hashed out - gosh, how strange it is to even type those words out - I have found myself praying not only for the wisdom of the administrators, but for the deep gratitude that I feel for those people God has placed in roles of leadership. They have been a comfort to this anxious mama heart in one of the weirdest seasons.
As I dropped Audrey off for her second day of school, and her first full day on campus, I was both incredibly proud and immensely sad as I watched her walk up the stairs all by herself. She was so courageous and independent in that moment and it felt like the smallest of compliments as a mother - to watch her ready to take on life, take on kindergarten - that her dad and I have prepared her, by the grace of God, to feel fully confident in who she is and where she is going. Despite being nervous, she got out of the car with a smile on her face and barely looked back as I waved good bye. I was so excited for her and so sad for me. It’s been a hard several months, being mostly stuck at home, but even after all the togetherness and the much needed break from one another, I will miss her today and every day.
God has given us the gift, amongst all the chaos, of the sweetest school and the most normal looking days we could ask for. I’m thankful for that gift. I’m thankful for the way in which Audrey gets out of the car and goes about her day. She has no fear of Covid-19. She has no frustration over mask mandates or the strangeness of physical distancing. She simply has new friends, a darling teacher, and so much to learn. I’m thankful that the big feelings surrounding kindergarten coming to our family are only mine. And I will continue to pray for the little daily reminders of God’s presence in these long and confusing days. That I would never forget the bravery of my five year old as she enters elementary school, and that I would trust as deeply in my heavenly Father as she is trusting in the decisions that her daddy and I are making in these strange times.
