For the last week, or really even longer, I have been at a loss for words regarding all of the ways our lives are being impacted and things are changing. Every time I tried to journal and process, it just felt overwhelming. Not in a fear filled way, but in a mourning of the could have been/should have been expectations of bringing home a healthy baby. I know that everyone around us has had a lot of time to think and stress and worry. The added trigger of SLC’s largest earthquake in a generation didn’t help the overdrive of all the feelings.
All that being said, one of the things that has hit me the hardest is watching Audrey Nole play alone. Its not abnormal for her to make believe all on her own, only sometimes bringing specific roles to Adam or myself as she acts out her story. We are used to solo play at this house. Its all she’s ever known. But as I watch my daughter play, hour after hour, with herself and her toys, I’m finding that the absence of our middle son is stark and painful. Audrey is so excited about having Harry home with us, and I really don’t think she’s aware enough to know that having George here during this weird time of isolation would be so much more fun, but it hurts my heart.
Its not new to miss him. That’s an almost constant tug at my mama heart. But what is new, is to have such an obvious picture of our missing family member. As Adam plays mean dragon for the 100th time or I talk princesses yet again. This morning we sat in our living room while Audrey told “jokes” and then directed us to laugh as she delivered (or didn’t deliver) the punch line. She would say something like “The teacup is upside down… ok guys, laugh!” If her brother were here, he would just laugh. Siblings get each other. They have a bond like nothing else on this planet. She wouldn’t have to direct her daddy and me when to laugh and just how funny it was… she would have her brother to instantly cry in laughter over the joke that makes absolutely no sense.
I think that as each year passes I will have different things to miss about George, most specifically the dynamics of his relationship with his big sister. Its a lot different to think about a sick 1 year old and his big 3 year old sister than it is to think about a healthy 3 year old and his big 5 year old sister. And the thought of a 3 & 5 year old having adventures all through our house brings both immense joy and intense pain. It also reminds me that the shenanigans of Audrey Nole and Harry Beau won’t be the same as they would have/could have been if George were here to bridge the gap.
As our world continues to shut down and things close, I’m sad for my daughter. I miss my son, deeply, and it breaks my heart to know that her various social outlets and sources of encouragement and fuel (she’s a very social little lady) have been brought to the absolute minimum; especially given her lack of living siblings. I know that we have hope in a great God whose hand is all over this, and I know that we have nothing to fear as we are His children. But knowing those things doesn’t remove the grief of experiencing the ways this world is broken and the various ways that humans all over the planet are having to adjust and adapt to this new, and hopefully temporary, normal.
I’m sure that when all of this is over, there will be a profound level of gratitude among all of the earth’s people. Gratitude for the opportunity to rest, to hold tight(er) to our families, and to find ways that we can be kind and generous in the unprecedented times of social distancing and quarantine. We are all uniquely in this together and it has been pretty wonderful to watch the generosity of our neighbors near and far as we cope with a pandemic. And an earthquake. And the long awaited delivery of our newest McGough man. So as I wait, in the area of uncertainty and lack of control, I am reminded to draw on the words of my Savior that have been written for all the people and have been hidden on my heart over the length of my relationship with Him. I will not fear, but I will have to let myself grieve. I will not fear, but I will yell at God and tell him how much I hate this; He’s big and strong and mighty. And that’s the very best news I can get on any given day.
“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” - Zephaniah 3:17
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash