I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this journal of mine. About all the moments I’ve worked through, struggled with, and given to God. I don’t know that I’ll ever fully comprehend the many ways that God worked in and spoke into my life through the notes section on my iPhone. I wrestled with him. A lot. I mean, a lot a lot. I begged and pleaded for answers. I whined and demanded reasons, understanding. I’ve also gotten to do a whole lotta thanking and praising. Because time after time, God delivers. He shows me that he cares. That he loves me deeply. That my son was and is loved deeply. That even though I’m not capable of fully comprehending the answers I’m searching for, he has them. And he will reveal them in a more appropriate time.
I saw something just the other day that basically said we don’t know how much we need God until He’s all we have. I know that our lives didn’t look like God was all we had, but in those days and weeks after George Mason died, God really was all we had. Because none of our earthly treasures could hold us up. Sustain us. Guide us forward. I don’t know if I completely agree that we can’t know how much we depend on God unless the bottom falls out... but nonetheless, I have learned a deep and wide void that can only be filled by one: God. And in many ways, I have the letters on these pages to thank. God works in so many ways. His scripture speaks in so many ways. His Spirit has certainly worked through my own thumbs. Crazy, right? But God.
As we approach 2.5 years since George’s day, I find myself wondering what’s next for this journal? Will there be more to tell about his story? Have I exhausted the depths of my recollections? Is there more for God to teach me in sitting in the details of George’s day? I don’t know. It kind of feels like perhaps it’s time to close this chapter of grief. I know that I will always love and miss that sweet boy of mine, but have I finished the hard work of grieving? Or is there more still to come? {I’ve learned that grief will be a consistent part of this earthly life, it will just take different shapes. What will the next shape be?} I know that I’m a very visual processor. Writing these words and seeing them on the pages often has light bulbs shining over my head. Alone with my thoughts doesn’t get me anywhere. But pencil and paper always lead me to God, and all the ways that He loves me. So because I know that about myself, I know that I will always write. There will forever be things to dig deeper into. Things that I need to have written out, notated with scripture, for my own understanding. There will always be the prayers that I didn’t even know to pray, that come out when I start to write. But what does that mean for George Mason’s story? For my story? Intuitively, I know that this story is just one episode or chapter. And honestly, right now it feels a bit like those dreaded “to be continued” words at the end of a season of your favorite tv show. That moment when you can’t believe the cliff hanger and will most certainly be tuning in next season! Boy am I thankful for the journey I’ve been on with this little journal of mine. But man, don’t you kinda wish you knew what was next? What is waiting in the wings of God’s story? Wouldn’t it be nice if this was a movie and needed to get wrapped up and tied with a bow in just 2 short hours? No cliff hangers. Sure that sounds great for a minute. But God’s plan never disappoints. Even if it feels impossible to wait for next season...
“The Lord reigns; he is robed in majesty;
the Lord is robed; he has put on strength as his belt.
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.
Your throne is established from of old;
you are from everlasting.
The floods have lifted up, O Lord,
the floods have lifted up their voice;
the floods lift up their roaring.
Mightier than the thunders of many waters,
mightier than the waves of the sea,
the Lord on high is mighty!
Your decrees are very trustworthy;
holiness befits your house,
O Lord, forevermore.” - Psalm 93