It’s been a while since I sat down with this little journal of mine. I’ve actually opened the notes section on my phone numerous times to unscramble all the thoughts in my head, but every time I do, the words that come out of my two clumsy thumbs feel just as jumbled as they are in my head. I guess the reality of a cross country move is that even the most straightforward of emotions is actually considerably more complicated.
I knew last year, after visiting my sister and her family, that we needed to call Tennessee home. I think I even called Adam and told him that I was ready to move here whenever he was. He nervously laughed and brushed it off. He knew I didn’t like Utah, so me suggesting a new place wasn’t totally uncommon. But I wasn’t joking. I couldn’t explain it at the time, and even now it’s a mystery… but this place felt like home from the moment I stepped off that Delta flight into the tiny thing they call the Nashville airport. After 7 years of praying for my exit out of Utah, I finally had a place. So I started praying; specifically.
I know that Adam’s heart wasn’t as miserably captured in Utah, but no matter how many times I gave myself the “you just have to suck it up and be happy” pep talk, I was just that: miserably captured. Sure, God had given us a delightful group of people that had become our family over the last 7 years. But the pandemic cut us off from all the things that had made our home feel survivable. And now, as the world was trying to open back up, it felt like the pullings of my heart to leave were getting more urgent. So I prayed for his heart to change. I didn’t know if that meant we’d be moving by Christmas or if it meant another 5 years there, but God hadn’t given me a place, finally, just to make me even more frustrated with Utah. This time felt different. And even though it brought back all the emotions of being pregnant with George (how many times did I tell myself “God wouldn’t do this just to do that” and was horribly, miserably wrong?), I stayed consistent in praying for the promptings of my own heart to begin to be shared by my husband.
It took longer than I wanted, but shorter than I expected, for the idea of packing up our family and moving across the country to become not just my desire but Adam’s as well. And as we began to share the call to Tennessee, I couldn’t not see Gods hand in every, single, aspect of this move. His provision was incredible and at every intersection I could see that our steps had been foreordained.
Yesterday, as we sat in the church row, I felt all the emotions. Our first Sunday here was Mothers Day, and I was too high on the adrenaline of moving to really process all the heavy emotions that day brings. But here we are, 6 weeks later, and all the highs have worn off - it’s just normal life these days - and as the hymn “ Holy, Holy, Holy” came on the screen, I felt the first tear drip down my cheek. And by the time we had sung the last few words, “holy holy holy! Merciful and mighty! God in three persons, blessed Trinity” I was weeping. Because the Lord is merciful and mighty. Because His guiding presence had felt so distance in so many ways lately, and yet here I was, singing the words of a hymn immensely older than me, that felt as relevant today as if they had been written in my very own journal; and believing every word.
I was grateful for the gift of this new place we call home. Thankful for the beauty of watching Audrey worship along side us. Thankful for the little family God had placed in my care. And deeply missing the little 5 year old who should’ve been in our row with us. Who would’ve added his own middle child flare to the Father’s Day festivities planned out by big sister. I was mourning, especially in that moment, the should have beens and could have beens of Adam’s fatherhood journey.
We had just sung “all they works shall praise thy name in earth and sky and sea” and there I was, praising His name. Paralyzed by grief, overwhelmed with gratitude, and thankfulness pouring out of every part of my soul - Holy Holy Holy! Lord God Almighty!
“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
Colossians 3:16-17 ESV
