When I first got that positive pregnancy test (after all the months of infertility treatments), I took a deep sigh of relief. But then I realized that the easy part was actually already over. From that moment, all of the stuff we would face during this pregnancy would be hard. From the physical task of actually growing a human - my body doesn’t like being pregnant - to the large spectrum of emotions we would face and feel over the 9 months that we wait for this baby, the fertility issues were dwarfed in comparison to all of the unknowns of a pregnancy after loss. Thankfully, and by the grace of our Good God, we are surviving. In fact, we are thriving. As we close in on the day we meet this little boy, excitement is at the forefront of our minds.
There are to-do lists being checked off and all of my crazy nesting goals are rounding to their ends. This is a home and family that is very ready to welcome a little boy. At my latest OB appointment, I was asked about my mood and my anxiety; especially in light of the rib disaster and the lack of sleep and exercise that it is dictating. My honest, first thing out of my mouth answer was “I’m just so dang excited, I don’t even really care that I’m not sleeping” {Adam might debate that a little bit}
I’m a pretty type A person - I like to have plans and contingencies. When we found out that this baby was due exactly one week after Audrey Nole’s 5th birthday, I knew that our January - March were going to be busy. I wanted to be able to fully celebrate our oldest as she crosses the milestone of one whole hand old. I wanted to be able to sit with her in the emotions she would feel as she processes the changes happening in our family. I wanted to be able to be fully present in the discussions that would come from the inevitable fears of bringing home a baby after having said good bye to another. So we front loaded. We are ready and waiting. And wouldn’t you know it, there have been a few discussions of feelings. There will be a birthday celebration. There are lots of chats over all the things going on in her life and how best for her to work through them; shockingly, its not through temper tantrums, as she would like to believe.
I’m glad that we’re ready. I’m glad to know that these last few weeks we can just sit in the emotions and prepare our hearts and minds. Audrey told me the other day that she was having big feelings and wanted to talk about it. She told me that she was afraid. As I prepared myself for the hard conversation about what if this baby dies too, I asked her what she was afraid of. She told me that she’s afraid of meeting Harry because she doesn’t know what he’s going to look like and she doesn’t know him. …. She was likely very serious in this concern, but it brought perspective to this otherwise weighty waiting period. Of all the things that we could possibly be feeling and preparing for, our 5 year old is worried that she won’t know her brother. I laughed a bit under my breath and assured her that Harry Beau is no stranger. That he has been listening to her voice for 9 months. That she has been talking to him, hugging him, and loving him for 9 months. And that in all likelihood, he was going to look very much like her.
Her big feelings and her fear of the unknown actually made me more excited. Because this baby knows his sister just as she knows his kicks and has already built a wonderful foundation for their sibling relationship. I cannot wait to see those first moments when they meet each other. The already big eyes on our big girl will be wide with wonder and excitement. The tiny ears of baby brother will perk up as he hears her voice for the first time outside of the womb. Its going to be wonderful. It will probably be a little hard too… but God.
“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Matthew 5:5
