Just over 3 years ago, Adam and I began planning a 5th anniversary trip. We thought it would be fun to get away from the stress of every day life, enjoy each other as a couple, and celebrate our newest expected family member. The trip, we thought, would be a celebration of our marriage and our growing family. Except in October of 2016, our plans got derailed and anything we had in the works got postponed indefinitely.
I wouldn’t trade those months of stress and doctors visits for a few days on the beach. Those are part of my son’s story, and the reality is that they make up a majority of that story. So when faced with the disappointment over a canceled trip to Hawaii and the opportunity to meet our son just a few months later, there is no question that we would do exactly the same thing over again.
This pregnancy is different. Its something I have told myself throughout the long days since the beginning. Different pregnancy. Different baby. Different outcome. And as this was an almost daily mantra, if you will, it made sense to jump on the opportunity to finally take that trip. So after my anatomy scan showed a perfectly healthy baby boy, I took no time before asking my OB if it would be ok for me to travel; specifically to Hawaii. She did everything but shout when she celebrated with me the good news we had received and the confidence she had that a trip of that kind - one of celebration - would be more than ok and actually recommended and necessary.
So we booked airplane tickets and hotel rooms, and counted down the long winter days until we could embark on the long journey to paradise; as husband and wife, and as care free as the parental part of our identities would allow. It was cold on the morning that our uber arrived to take us to the airport, but I wore a tank top. Perhaps it was in protest to the SLC winter, but I imagine it was more in excitement over all that this trip was going to represent. It was not without heavy emotion, but it was one way that we could tangibly live out that mantra - different pregnancy, different baby, different outcome. It was a leap of faith that all was well with this precious life growing in my womb. It was a whole lot of trust in the God we serve that Audrey wasn’t going to be left orphaned {I suppose that’s one of the many ways that my anxiety gets the best of me… imagining a plane crash over the Pacific; part of the shrapnel left behind by loss}. As we stepped onto the plane, I thanked God for all that He had provided over these last few difficult years. For all the support that I had found in Him. That despite my disappointment over the death of my son, I had found immense comfort in Him. And then I asked him to make sure our plane landed safely in Hawaii. I’m not perfect in my trust.
We spent 3 glorious days on the beach. Taking in the warm sun. Feeling those wonderfully numerous grains of sand between our toes. The warm misty rain that would come and go. Seeing the stunning display of rainbows in every direction. Soaking up every inch of the view - the turquoise blue water against the baby blue sky and the lush green of the Hawaiian mountains. The sunsets were incredible. Each one more spectacular than the next; each one more of a gift to my soul than I could even properly express. We laughed as we people watched. We read books, uninterrupted, and spent hours talking about Adam and Jillian things. Not mom and dad things. Not kid things. Not medical things - well, unless you count that pesky bruised rib that reared its ugly head on our 3rd day. Just plain old, ordinary, wonderful, husband and wife things. We joked about having taken Harry to Hawaii before Audrey. We laughed at the irony because my parents used to tell me that I had, in fact, been to Hawaii… while my mama was pregnant with me. Gee, thanks guys. So glad I got to experience the beauty from inside a uterus.
We slept for so many hours. We ate way too much. We laughed. It was almost as if we hadn’t been through hell and back in the last 5 years. It was comfortable. It was celebratory. It was perfectly what we needed, exactly when we needed it. It was an incredible gift for our marriage. It was restoring and refreshing. It breathed just the new life into our tired hearts and minds to face these last few exhausting weeks as we wait patiently for our boy. The days are long. The emotions are high. The what if’s are hard to stifle. But God provided and continues to provide.. I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but I am so tempted to tattoo those words on my wrist… But God. Thankfully, there were no mai tais consumed for this pregnant lady, or one of those local tattoo shops in Waikiki might have gotten a lesson in the gospel as I did something rather spontaneous. Also, thankfully I’m married to a less than spontaneous accountant who would have reigned me in… God really is in the details, y’all.
Hawaii was wonderful. But more importantly, my time with my husband and my Heavenly Father was wonderful. I know Hawaii had nothing to do with it. Not that God’s crazy gorgeous creation wasn’t an incredible backdrop to His work in refreshing my soul, but more so that choosing to spend time with Him, and prioritizing my relationship with my hubby was just the thing I needed in this season. 7 more weeks to ready myself for bringing home this baby. 7 more weeks of waiting and anticipation. And then a lifetime of emotions that I cannot even begin to prepare for. But God.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
