Hey there my sweet little jalapeño! We are officially 13 weeks and this means that the first trimester is just about over. You and me, we’re one third of the way through our journey. Help a mama out… lets kick this nausea to the curb, ASAP!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who you are. Your big sister wants you to be a little sister SO BADLY. She’s determined that because she already has a brother, even though he’s in heaven, she needs the experience of a sister. Part of me agrees; there really is nothing like a sister. But the fact of the matter is, you will find friends in your life who can become as close to you as if you were siblings. So even if you end up being her second brother, I know she will find a sister connection with someone, someday. Your daddy thinks you’re a girl too… I’m holding strong in the boy category. But either way, you my dear, are so loved and we are so ready to welcome you HOME with us. April, get here quick.
One of the things I noticed when your brother died is that grief is really hard. And not just for me or for your daddy, but for everyone around us. Everyone deals with the trauma of loss a little differently, especially when they are just enough removed from the acute pain but still want to contribute to the healing of those who got hit the hardest. That was displayed in lots of grief books showing up in our mailbox. Books about losing children. About moving forward after such a trauma. Practical books that gave daily lists to complete. I read so many different perspectives on grief. It was helpful in many ways, but mostly it was just good to know we weren’t alone in missing your brother however that manifested for us. As your daddy and sister and I wait for your arrival, we have lots of time to think and process and prepare. Right now, a lot of that thinking is placed in the category of who you are and what you will become. Will you fall right into the routine we have of being “girl parents” ?? Or will you throw us for a loop and make us learn about all things boy?
We are already parents to a boy. I’m already a “boy mom” in a sense. No one can take that away or change that. But you see, your brother never came home. His life never left the isolette in that NICU. So I didn’t get to experience the loud and joyful noises that make up so much of a motherhood to boys. I don’t know if your life is going to bring that boyhood exuberance or not, but I do know that whatever you are, whoever you become, God made you perfectly for us; we were made for each other. Part of me hopes that your daddy gets to father a son. I think it would be a wonderful thing. Hard at times, I’m sure, but wonderful nonetheless. Part of me hopes that your sister gets the desire of her heart and you two become the best of sister friends anyone could ask for. I’m going to be fine either way, sweet little one, because your life is a blessing in more ways than if I’m to be a “girl mom” or a “boy mom.” We will probably keep debating for the next 7 or so weeks. You just keep cooking. Let those little arms and legs grow strong so they can move mountains for the Lord. Let that brain of yours develop with a huge desire to know more about the God who made you. And let that precious heart grow kind and open, that you may show love to every one you meet. You are going to do great things in your life, sweet baby, and I’m so excited to be part of your story; boy or girl, you are perfectly formed in His image.
Photo by Nick Artman on Unsplash