Ever since George died, I made myself promise to trust God’s timing and planning with our family. Particularly, I didn’t want George to be our last baby because I was too afraid of the same thing happening again that we would never even try. I’ve severely struggled with that promise I made myself. I think there are a lot of reasons for that, but the reality is that trusting Him with the outcome of something that I’ve already experienced the worst of, makes no sense to my brain. The fight or flight kicks in and I want to run from pregnancy as fast as I can. I already fought once. It ended terribly. So now, I run. Except living in fear is equally as terrible as the logic in my brain that is telling me if I want to avoid pain I just should avoid even the possibility of another baby. We have Audrey, my brain tells me, so we’re good. What if we have another baby and that one dies too? I can tell myself these are lies. They are. But the reality is that our family has experienced the worst and every time I try to calm those fears, I’m taken right back to that NICU.
8 months ago, after receiving the clearance from my doctor that my body had sufficiently healed, and having given our hearts enough time and distance from George’s day to feel somewhat normal, we decided to start trying to grow our family. Fear of the worst case scenario felt easy to stifle in those first weeks and months. It had been so long since we had held a baby. So long since we had felt the anxiety of a pregnancy. Our hearts longed for a living sibling for Audrey Nole. We wanted the laughter of playtime. The family love that looks a lot like chaos. And so we jumped in with all the trust we could muster. Hoping that God’s timing would line up with our own expectations.
No longer will the sun be your light by day, nor the brightness of the moon shine on your night; for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your splendor. Your sun will no longer set, and your moon will not wane; for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and the days of your sorrow will cease. Then all your people will be righteous; they will possess the land forever; they are the branch of My planting, the work of My hands,so that I may be glorified. The least of you will become a thousand,and the smallest a mighty nation.
I am the LORD;
in its time I will accomplish it quickly.
-Isaiah 60:19-22
Over the last couple months, I’ve been able to see our family as the 3 of us. To be content in this place. It’s something I’ve asked God for over and over. I’m grateful to be there. But I also hope that this isn’t our reality for much longer. Audrey asks for a sibling almost daily. She used to tell me that God was going to give her a sister because she asked him for one. But recently her desire for sibling has wavered. Not in the times she asks, but in the ways she asks. She is noticing that it’s been a long time. In fact, while she talks about and I think remembers her brother, its been 2.5 years since he met his family both here and in heaven. In the life of a 4 year old, that’s a very large portion of time. She must feel like she’s been waiting for forever. Even at the age of 4, God is working in her heart - He’s teaching her that His timing is perfect. And she, just like here mama and every human being ever, is not liking it.
I don’t know what the immediate future holds for our fertility. I don’t know what the future of our family looks like. If I’m being honest, I wish I had those answers. Some days it feels like it would be easier to keep on truckin’ if I knew what the end result was going to be. But instead, just like my daughter, God is working in my heart. His timing is perfect. “I am the LORD; in its time I will accomplish it quickly” I need to write that on post its all over my house so that maybe it will be written deep in my heart and I will actually believe it.
In all honesty, I wrote down most of these words nearly two weeks ago. But I couldn’t see the point. I couldn’t understand why I started. Why I was telling this part of our story. Why I was drawn to leave these moments and challenges on the page. I needed more time with Jesus about it. More prayer. More pleading. More prayer. I still don’t have it down perfectly, but I’m much more comfortable today with acknowledging that His timing is perfect than I was two weeks ago. If that’s not God’s promises being fulfilled in a tangible way, I’m not sure what else would be.
