Yesterday was one of those days. It was hard. It was emotional. It hurt more than most days. There was nothing special about yesterday. There were no anniversaries or milestones to trigger the heart break. There was no particularly difficult thing to do or say or get through. Yesterday was just a Tuesday. Much like the ordinary Monday that preceded it. It was hard and painful and I had a bad attitude. I didn’t want to believe that my God was near. I couldn’t feel His presence and peace overtly over my life yesterday. Yesterday was one of those “hit me with a 2x4, God” so I can KNOW you are there kind of days.
Bad attitude and all, God got me through it. I didn’t want to hear comforting words from the scriptures. I didn’t want to feel better. I wanted God to make it right. I don’t deserve to have lost my son, right God? I should be snuggling my 9 week old on this gloomy Tuesday, right God? I cried a lot yesterday. My toddler cried a lot yesterday. Yesterday, I felt the burden of the curse of sin in a very real, very tiring way. I woke up this morning feeling so much better. The sun is out, I know that helps, but I’m not as emotional today and neither is Audrey. We had a bad day yesterday but thankfully God is compassionate and true to His word. He is unfailing in His love for us and his mercies are never ending and new every single morning.
The truth about all of this, is that none of this is the way its supposed to be and God knows that. He mourns that. He lost His very own son because of that. He is going to make it right. One day. Until then, I have to live in my brokenness and cry out for God to get me through. This is a race for the kingdom of God and its a marathon. He is going to sustain my pace and give me the strength and endurance to finish the work He has called me to. That doesn’t make it better right now, but knowing the inheritance that waits for me when I’m done makes it worth doing. God is worth it. I lost my son. George Mason isn’t here and that sucks but it doesn’t change God’s worthiness. He deserves every ounce of praise and glory I can muster. He is so, 100%, worth it. The eternity that waits for me; the eternity that my son is already experiencing, it is SO worth it.
Today, my heart hurts a little less than yesterday. Thank you, Lord, for that. Thank you, Lord, for your sustaining grace as we live in this brokenness. Thank you for sunshine and birds’ songs. Thank you for the energy to paint my door frames, clean my house, love on my toddler, and just be me. Thank you for your inability to change and for always being what I need when I need it. Thank you, Lord, for your inexhaustible joy that you so graciously pour out on your people. Thank you, Jesus, for coming along side me even when I have a bad attitude. Thank you that even though my emotions are fleeting, you are steadfast.
May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. - Colossians 1:11-12