The season of life that Adam and I are in is one of growing families, lots of pregnancies, and adorable bundles of joy. There are literally babies everywhere. This is something I’m very aware of and has two sides: I’m genuinely excited and happy for my dear friends and their precious babes but I’m also going to watch these babes grow up and be reminded of my son and my daughter and how different I thought our lives would look today.
I went through my pregnancy with George Mason relating to my other pregnant friends about back pains, braxton hicks contractions, lack of sleep, multiple trips the bathroom, and all of the other oh so familiar “symptoms” of carrying a baby. On the outside, the baby bump didn’t look any different from any other growing baby in the world. The checkout lady at the grocery store or the clerk at the post office wouldn’t have known the heavy burden I was carrying along side my growing baby. Often times I would get asked the obvious (and joy filled) questions “When are you due?”, or “Girl or boy?” Before October 4, 2016, my answers were simple. I could tell them with deeply excited anticipation that I was due in late February and we didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl yet. To me and Adam, and to those around us, this was a pregnancy like any other; morning sickness, exhaustion, and the whole slew of emotions that the increase in hormones brings on.
All of that changed in one 50 min sonogram. We walked into the office with such an eagerness to know if our little one was going to be little brother or little sister. I remember so vividly sitting in the waiting room and then in the ultrasound room… Hurry up and get to the good stuff already! Then it happened, the tech looked at us and said with certainty that baby McGough was indeed a boy. I think my heart may have skipped a beat when I turned to look at Adam and saw his cheesy boyish grin. He and I were so excited. It feels like that is the day we met George Mason. Then suddenly things weren’t ok anymore. The tech left to get our pictures and told us she would be right back. I remembered this from when I was pregnant with Audrey… they came right back and said the doctor thought things looked fine and would let us know if anything presented otherwise upon further examination. I think it was maybe 5 minutes total and they sent us on our way. But this was different. We kept watching the clock, Adam had to get to work, but the minute hand just kept moving. That was a very long 25 minutes and my mom gut started to get worried.
When that doctor walked in the room, the look on her face said it all. There was a problem. She told us that she was “very concerned” {words that Adam to this day can’t stand to hear} about our baby boy. That he had all the indications of a very rare blockage in his urinary track and that she was going to schedule an immediate consult with a pediatric urologist and wanted to see us back in ultrasound in 3 weeks. Then she left. Maybe there was more to the conversation, maybe there wasn’t, I honestly don’t remember much after those 2 words came out of her mouth. What did very concerned mean? What were they going to do about it? We had so many questions and yet nothing came out of our mouths. That ultrasound room had given us so much joy and excitement and then had immediately taken it away. I left not knowing if I should cry… we were supposed to be celebrating a baby boy but in the span of an hour or less, we found out this pregnancy wasn’t going to be like my first. This was going to be much different, much harder, and looking back, felt so much longer.
I didn’t know on October 4, just how difficult or hard this pregnancy was going to be, but I’m thankful for the community that faithfully prayed, supported, encouraged, and loved on us even before that day. I think even now I haven’t really been able to process all of the things, the feels, the grief that started on that day. It feels good to write it down; to put those raw and somewhat unprocessed emotions down to paper in a tangible way. I started this grief journey long before I realized it and I want to remember all of it. I want to remember the ways that God comforted me through it. I want to remember that even when I was in the middle of the ugliest of ugly cries, that God loves me and He loves George Mason. I don’t know what the future holds for our family but I know that it doesn’t look anything like we had planned. Most days I’m really not ok with that. Most days I want to just cry out “Why??” andbe angry, or sad, or disappointed. Thankfully, ALL days, God loves me, even through those feelings and my doubt. Thankfully, God’s unfailing love is inescapable, unwavering, and my belief in its truth offers no disturbance to its truth. Thankfully, today I’m sad and that’s ok. My God loves me and is for me.
This next season of our lives is very likely going to be hard and if hard isn’t the right word I’m sure I’ll find it as live through it and look back. For now though, I’m going to cling to God’s promises and know that He will grant me hope for each new day. I’m also going to snuggle all these new babes and love them with my whole heart just like I love Audrey and George.
“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.” - Psalm 61:1-3